'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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