so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
