Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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