peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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