So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
