i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
