you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
