well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
