New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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