I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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