Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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