I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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