im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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