bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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