Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
