it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
