12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My life is pants optional.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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