I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
