Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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