The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so let's talk penis.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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