When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
her vagine was all disorganized.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
