Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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