Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
