His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
