no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
