I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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