you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
