her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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