I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
