True but thats because hes a fetus.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
