Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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