he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
