The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
