I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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