Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
