Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
