the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
