Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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