maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
