RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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