Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize