My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
