my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
