FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
