Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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