Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
