Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
