I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
