you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
