she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
